The Danny: Momma Almost Let My Little Brother Kill Himself, But It Was Thor’s Fault!
By The Danny
[Bearing Drift writer Andrea Epps has ceded today’s column space to her third baby, Danny.]
Hey there my peeps, do I ever have a story for you!
So, it had been raining here for four days, and the ground is so diggable … I love it. So, three days ago, my little brother Thor and I spent two hours digging in the rain … sweet bliss.
OUCH!! What the hell? Something stabbed me in the foot. OUCH! MOMMA!!!! IT HURTS!!!
Momma (who was watching us dig in the rain, and always keeps our digging area free of rocks and sticks) brought us inside and cleaned off the mud. I was hopping around on three feet because my right front foot felt like someone was beating it with a bone. Naturally, I sat down and took my front teeth and my LONG tongue to my foot. Momma put us in the bed because she said I needed room to be cozy.
I tried everything to stop the pain. Momma did too. But when I laid on my back with all four feet dangling in the air (along with the tongue and my lips hanging on the sheet) the pain STILL didn’t stop. So, Momma said I had to go to the doctor. THE DOCTOR? Hell NO! But OUCH, so okay.
My regular doctor is a great lady person, but Momma said her shot place was closed, whatever that means. So we went to a different shot place. The doctor there was nice; he didn’t give me a shot. But they wouldn’t let Momma come in, so I wasn’t going in either. But OUCH!!! Okay, I went in when Momma walked me to the door. She promised not to leave. My foot hurt, I wanted my Momma.
So, the other doctor man put this weird collar over my face, and I couldn’t open my mouth. Just how he expected me to explain what was going on when I couldn’t speak is a mystery to me. I should be able to claim that First Amendment speech thing Momma is always talking about, but that thing violated that right. Anyhow … OUCH!!! I didn’t care … just make this pain stop!
The doctor person looked at my foot and played with my toes. He told momma I was a perfect boy, and I didn’t bite at him. Oh good GAWD! I am a civilized four-legged person. I don’t bite unless someone tries to hurt my Momma. Besides, my foot hurt and nothing else mattered at that time.
Before we went home, he put this asinine “cone of shame” over my head. Oh hell no. Momma will be taking this thing off when we get home. I was going to make sure of that. He gave Momma some foot spray and a green bottle of treats he called pain medicine.
We went home, and poor Thor was still screaming. He does not like it when I leave his side. Momma and I got in the bed, Bubba made us some sandwiches for dinner and Momma gave me a treat from the green bottle.
Wow. Whatever they put in that treat made my foot stop hurting … and made me feel really different! Everything was just fine as I drifted off to sleep lying across Momma. I heard myself snoring as I went to dreamland.
When I opened my eyes the next morning, I was in the exact same spot as I was when I went to dreamland. Momma didn’t look happy. I was still lying over her … on her side of the bed. But she sat up, gave me a kiss, and looked at my foot.
After breakfast, she sprayed my foot with the spray the doctor gave her. OUCH! That stung. Then she gave me another green bottle treat, and put the bottle way up over the light thing on a wood thing that goes through to the room with all the food. Then she quickly went to the little girls room. I followed her and sat outside the room with the big water bowl (we aren’t allowed to drink from it, but I don’t care; there is always a heavy cover on it). It’s the same room with the darn shower thing. I HATE that.
Anyway, this is where the story gets … interesting.
My little brother, Thor, is just over six months old, and BUCK WILD! Momma says it’s because he is a Husky puppy, whatever that means. He is growing really fast now, but he knows he still has to listen to me. I am the Alpha four-legged person in this house and there will never be room for discussion on that topic.
Momma was in that room for less time than it took me to lie down, and we went back to the family people box room.
“OH SHIT THOR! NO!” (That’s what Momma said).
Thor was on the sofa with MY GREEN BOTTLE TREAT MEDICINE!!!! He had eaten all eight that were in the green bottle. Momma grabbed the talking machine and started tearing the sofa apart, looking for my green bottle treats, and then she stuck her hand all the way down Thor’s throat, but my treat medicine was gone.
Bubba walked in and asked Momma what was wrong. She told him what Thor did. She had called my Sissy and Sissy was on the way home. Bubba picked up Thor and ran out the door. I thought, “Hey Bubba, he ate all my treat medicines and you’re taking HIM for a ride?” That’s just not fair. But then I went back and saw my Momma. I’ve never seen my Momma like that, and I hope I never do again.
I saw my Momma praying with the black cross round bead things that were her daddy’s. She only uses those while she is crying if something is very wrong. My Momma NEVER cries.
Then, I understood. Thor is about 50 pounds and he ate all of the green bottle treat medicine. If I eat just one, I get stoned and sleep a long time and I am … much heavier. What would they do to Thor?
Sissy came home from work and I just sat with them in the people box room. They were huddled on the sofa and Momma stopped crying so Sissy could. I felt helpless. All I could do was lick their tears and stay close to them. Sissy’s boyfriend John came over too. Momma hugged John, and started crying again.
Bubba called on the talking machine and told Momma they were going to make Thor swallow up … a lot. Then they were going to make him drink something called charcoal. They would call Momma on the talking machine when they were finished.
I thought, “Oh, no … was Thor going to … die?” I know I get a little angry when he bites my tail, but I love Thor. He’s my little brother. I started crying too. Then the talking box made that awful high pitched sound I hate.
Our doctor lady called and told Momma they got six treat medicines out of Thor’s belly whole, and at least one from his teeth.
He had a black face because of the charcoal, but he was going to be FINE!
Momma and Sissy were so happy they started crying again. They said Bubba got him to the shot place fast enough so the treat medicine didn’t get digested, whatever that means.
I bet Thor doesn’t pull that stunt again. There is no treat worth all of that. But Momma has spent the last two days making sure Thor can’t reach anything. For my part, I’m going to be watching him closer. That’s what I do.
But Bubba got Thor to the shot place in eight minutes. The shot place is at least a twenty minute bye-bye ride. I’m going to ask Bubba how he did that so fast. I’ll let you know what he says.
But for now, I better get off Bubba’s machine before Momma is done cleaning.
Other correspondence from The Danny: