By Peter Mason
I have just confirmed the real reason behind the sudden slew of phony Hollywood movies, miniseries and docu’s getting set to launch prior to Hillary announcing her intention to run in 2016. It is plot orchestrated by none other than the arch-Svengali of American politics – Bill Clinton.
After Hillary’s lackluster and ham-fisted 2008 campaign ended in defeat at the hands of the ward healer from Chi-town, Bill vowed that next time Hillary must win both the nomination and the presidency, and at any cost. Toward that end he set into motion a brilliant scheme to push their co-brand to the highest level.
Last week we witnessed the opening gambit in Bill and Hillary’s grand strategy. As with many Clinton schemes it has a series of feints and twists which like tear gas mask the true underlying goal. Bear with me as I set out how this plot will unfold.
Last week NBC announced it was producing Hillary, a four-hour miniseries about the former First Lady, former Senator, former Secretary of State to air sometime in 2014, and that Diane Lane would portray her. Comment and speculation ran rife over whether the news media would be called out on their ten-thousandth attempt to influence an election in favor of liberal Democratic candidate. “Not to worry said one NBC executive, “The miniseries is being produced by NBC Entertainment, not the news division. Besides we’ve gotten away this type of BS for years.”
Concerns only heightened when shortly on the heels of the NBC announcement, CNN stated that they were coming out with a documentary by the filmmaker Charles Ferguson. Lastly, a biopic is in the works called Rodman to be directed by a one James Pensoldt. This last entry to dwell on Hillary’s wonder years prior to moving to Little Rock to be with Bill. Again concerns that the networks were playing fast and loose with their pretensions for unbiased reporting were voiced.
While Diane Lane is spoken for, rumors are circulating that Jennifer Lawrence, Jessica Chastain, Claire Danes or even Scarlett Johansson might be in the running to play Hillary in Rodman.
The question is whether Bill would take such obvious steps to boost his wife’s already considerable chances of winning the nomination or is whirling political brain using the Hollywood stories as a cover for something as clever as it is sinister.
Ms. Rodman-Clinton, for all her talents in the obfuscation, shrieking, and paranoid delusions departments, has never been anyone’s idea of a beauty queen, sporting as she does the worst facial bone structure in all of politicadom. After living with her for thirty years, no one is more aware of this than Bill.
In order to rectify the problem, the former president (according to my unimpeachable sources in Hollywood) personally approached a number of TV executives and directors to blitz the airways with all things Hillary a year before the campaign got underway. However, the underlying reason was not to ballyhoo her accomplishments and record of service but rather to make people forget how homely she really is.
Bill is betting that viewers watching the miniseries and biopic will come to believe that Hillary actually looks like Diane Lane or Scarlett Johansson! As our coach potato nation is being hypnotized by the faux images of Wonder Women, the real Hillary will be out of sight undergoing the most extensive plastic surgery in history.
My sources further tell me that a top-secret group from the Corps of Army Engineers’ Facial Demolition and Reconstruction Unit has been activated. It is already practicing on cadavers in anticipation of the day when they will attempt to transform Hillary into a vague composite likeness of the actress who will be playing her on the screen. This type of operation, my sources tell me, it is dangerous as it is monumental.
After the bandages are removed the New Hillary will emerge beautifully transformed to take on the “the vast right-wing conspiracy”. Yet no one will whisper the terms “plastic surgery” or “went under the knife”. Why, because they have been conditioned to think of Hillary as looking like Diane and Scarlett, Claire and Jennifer, and not as the pinched chipmunk from Illinois.
“Yah, well sometimes these plastic surgery jobs go all wrong and the person comes out looking like an orangutan. What then?” Fear not dear reader. Bill is way ahead of you. If the surgery falters, Bill will merely have poor Hillary slip away on the operating table, and substitute one of the comely actresses in her stead. You’re a fiend Bill, but you’re still the Man!
Peter Mason is the author of “Heroes of the 21st Century” and regularly writes about culture, politics, sports and more at News From the Garret.
