By The Danny
[Bearing Drift writer Andrea Epps has ceded today’s column space to her third baby, Danny.]
My momma (you know her as Andrea) is busy cleaning, so I popped out my hidden thumbs, and borrowed her lap box so I could write to you and maybe get some advice.
So, here I am, lovin’ my life, eating what and when I want, sleeping at will, and strengthening my 79 pounds of pure power muscle by playing between naps. I have it made, right?
Well … hell no!
Without any counsel from me whatsoever, on a perfectly good-for-digging Friday, my sissy brought home … A LITTLE BROTHER! What does that mean? I like being the only four-legged child.
Well, let me just tell you a little bit about this thing. His name is Thor Tasmanian, and he’s an alien called a Husky Retriever, whatever that means. His feet are bigger than his head, and he was so skinny, he wouldn’t even make a decent-sized snack.
When he got here, Momma told me he was 10 weeks old, and that we saved his life from a horrid man in a place called Farmville. Then, I couldn’t believe it … she told me that I needed to teach him how to be a four-legged person! I thought she was joking. She wasn’t joking.
At first, I thought … no problem; he doesn’t move much, he can’t stand up by himself and he only has like 5 teeth. Then on the next Monday, Momma and sissy took me and Thor to the damn doctor. I love my doctor until she starts poking me with sharp things, and this time … she actually stuck something … UP MY BUTT!
Of course, I am very healthy but they said Thor had something called “every worm possible” except the worms we can get in our heart. So they gave Momma medicine for Thor. Momma had to give it to him for 5 days. She did, and man, he pooped a lot. I stayed away from that sniff because his poo was … moving! (See, told ya he was alien.)
That was two weeks ago. I don’t know what happened, but Thor started acting … different.
He started to eat, and stop when he didn’t want any more food, he started walking and running and yelping and then, I was forced to lay down the law.
One morning, Thor was behind me as we were walking to Momma’s coffee pot. Then, out of nowhere, I thought something had bitten my tail 10 times … OUCH! Thor had jumped up and grabbed my tail with his 5 teeth and was swinging from side to side. BIG mistake on his part. I didn’t bite him, but Momma said he’ll never do that again. I’ve had to big brother bark a few times, but I’m not willing to waiver on my principals … or my tail.
Other than my tail being used as a swing toy, and a few other tortures I am forced to endure, Thor is just a copy for every action I take. When I talk, he talks. When I sleep, he sleeps. I even share my side of Momma’s bed with him, and I don’t mind. My momma is now “our” momma, but I still get plenty of attention. Thor actively watches the people box. “Kill Bill” 1 and 2 are his favs thus far.
I’ll just be ALMOST as happy as Momma when he STOPS CHEWING ON EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE, ESPECIALLY ME!
Until then, I suppose I am now a big brother. This might be cool. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll teach Thor about the lap box and he’ll be bitching about me!
Cover photo: Thor