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Planes, Trains, and Autocracy

The smell of deep-fried turkey, thick gravy, whipped potatoes, and pumpkin everything is almost here. So is the sound of football, arguing, crying, and possibly thrown dishes. This is the time of year where the latte liberal finds himself next to the tumultuous Trump supporter, hand between two pillows.

In order to prevent any reality-TV level political feuding this holiday, I have compiled a list of things that all Virginians of all political persuasions can agree on.

1. Any political Thanksgiving table debate in any Virginia household will be more entertaining and more substantial than the Democratic presidential ones.

C’mon Democrats, even you know this crop of candidates is embarrassing. Deep down you’re cringing. The debates are indistinguishable from one another. The candidates are as lukewarm as your in-law’s sweet potato casserole in its Tupperware container. The fights and exchanges are lackluster and seemingly pre-screened. Besides, the winner is only who CNN says it is. The 2016 Republican debates might have been a dumpster fire but hey, you tuned in, right?

2. Your taxes [1] will go up soon.

Now that the Democrats have control of Richmond, a bold blue agenda [2] is in order. The “blue” plate special is a redistricting of the state — districts thinly sliced, a healthy helping of a 15-dollar minimum wage, a side of gun grabbing, a drizzle of radical abortion rights, and a scoop of health-care-for-ALL for dessert. Someone will have to pick up the check.

Virginians, hope you don’t have alligator arms now. Indeed this brave, new, progressive Virginia is following in the footsteps of New York, Illinois, California, and Connecticut — and the residents are going to pay for every step it takes. Just ask the former residents of the states mentioned. They’re now all in Boca.

3. The suburbs [3] are gone.

If you are a Republican having Thanksgiving in the corporate park that is Glen Allen, the town home sprawl that is Reston, or outside the People’s Republic of Charlottesville in leafy Albemarle, chances are you are in a blue neighborhood [4]. The suburbs overwhelmingly churned out for Democrats in 2018 and 2019, and to paraphrase Queen, we can’t stop them now — they’re having a good time.

4. Democrats in Virginia get a free pass, because.

This year, Governor Ralph Northam [5] moonwalked his way out of multiple blackface scandals and into presiding over a solid majority. Mark Herring [6] got Halloween ideas from Northam. Justin Fairfax [7] still sits snugly in his Lieutenant Governor’s chair after poo-pooing rape charges. Del. Lee Carter [8] is not only a socialist, he is a staunch defender of Antifa and likes to get into condescending Twitter spats [9] that make Trump look cordial. He has embraced communist rhetoric, is overtly critical of the U.S. military, and has admitted to using racist, homophobic, and transphobic slurs — all while having a history of glancing towards the Confederate flag with pride. But hey, if you run as a Democrat, all your sins will be forgiven. You’ll even be re-elected for it. If you want to air any dirty laundry this Thanksgiving, be sure to have a “D” next to your name.

5. Northern Virginia is expensive.

Nothing unites Democrats and Republicans more than kvetching about this matter that will never seem to change. I write this as I sign my check and drain my bank account. I got to move to Boca.

Michael Allers Jr. is an educator, politico, and artist. He lives in Herndon.

Photo by Rick Sincere