Ah, Thanksgiving. It’s actually this author’s least favorite holiday. Thanksgiving is loathsome. It’s a holiday where one is forced, FORCED, to sit through a family meal. One cannot get up and leave. Therefore, you must listen to drunk Uncle Eddie try to explain ISIS.
Thanksgiving is particularly loathsome for us political bloggers, especially self proclaimed Republican moderates like yours truly. The Democrats hate you because you are a Republican. The right wingers in your clan hate you because you don’t repeat Sean Hannity verbatim. But, what if you could use a song to calm down Uncle Eddie….
Well, it would be nice if drunk Uncle Eddie could be transported away from the table when Adele is played? Sadly, that won’t work. So here are some tips for discussing issues of the day around the Thanksgiving table. And since the author is a moderate Republican (that means RINO for those of you in West Virginia) let’s discuss both Democrats and those pesky far right wing uncles.
Grandma: “Them Refugees is coming to (insert your town here) and they are all terrorists!
First, get out your tablet. Second, log on to Bearing Drift. Third, click on Contributing Editor Brian Schoeneman’s article on refugee facts and myths. Fourth, expand the text so grandma can read it without getting her glasses out. Grandma will be sorely surprised and go back to eating her peas.
Grandpa: “Well, who cares about that. The immigrants coming across the border are destroying our country.”
“Actually Grandpa, immigrants from Mexico are leaving this country. Didn’t you see the article in the New York Times?”
“Using census data from the United States and Mexico, the Pew report found that from 2009 to 2014, slightly more than a million Mexicans and their families — including about 100,000 children younger than 5 who were American citizens born in the United States — returned to live in Mexico. In the same period, an estimated 870,000 Mexicans came here, resulting in an outflow of about 140,000.”
Grandpa is stunned, flabbergasted, and annoyed. He goes back to eating his corn.
This part of the article is going to be a guide for all the family members who have picked a Presidential candidate by now. You may like Marco, or Jeb, or John Kasich, or Chris Christie. But, this is a guide for dealing with both Republicans and Democrats
Aunt Pattie: “I am voting for Hillary Clinton.”
Aunt Pattie, that’s nice. But can you name an accomplishment of hers? The only thing Secretary Clinton has done successfully is stimulate the economy of the local Staples buying those red buttons. Seriously, Aunt Pattie, name an accomplishment. Senator Hillary Clinton may have co-sponsored alot of bills, but she herself only sponsored three bills. Do you know what those three bills are?
- S. 1241: A bill to establish the Kate Mullany National Historic Site in the State of New York. Bush signed the bill Dec. 3, 2004.
- S. 3613: A bill to name a post office the “Major George Quamo Post Office Building.” Bush signed the bill Oct. 6, 2006.
- S. 3145: A bill to designate a highway in New York as the Timothy J. Russert highway. Bush signed the bill July 23, 2008.
Secretary Clinton named an historic site, post office, and highway. Wow, what a record. If you really want to get her mad, ask about emails. (At this point Aunt Pattie goes in the other room seething in anger.)
Cousin Bobby: “I support Bernie Sanders! WE NEED TO STICK IT TO THE ONE PERCENT!”
Oh, Cousin Bobby. I could make Cousin Bobby cry by breaking out Milton Freidman and all the other classical liberal economists. But, Cousin Bobby, you’re supporting someone who claims “climate change” is the biggest national security threat. Bobby, have you heard of China and their cyber attacks? The Iranians who now have $100 billion plus dollars to build nuclear weapons. The Ukraine was invaded by Russia and nothing happened. Syria used chemical weapons on its people. ISIS is killing people left and right. But here’s Bernie saying “excuse me, I need to use the military to hug a tree.” Cousin Bobby, that’s a sad excuse for a candidate.
You have now violated Cousin Bobby’s “safe space.” Cousin Bobby excuses himself from the dinner table, goes out behind grandma’s house and listens to Nickelback, sobbing. Poor Cousin Bobby.
No one in your family knows who Martin O’Malley is. So, you’re good.
Drunk Uncle Eddie: “MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, VOTE DONALD TRUMP.”
NO! Sorry, that’s the author’s usual response. But in this instance, you have to ask Uncle Eddie just one question.
How, Uncle Eddie, is Donald Trump going to get Mexico to pay for a wall? Is he going to invade Mexico and take over the country, thereby forcing them to pay for the wall? No, no that won’t happen. The Mexican Government has already said they aren’t paying for a wall.
How are we going to defeat ISIS?
How are you going to fix entitlements?
Eventually, Drunk Uncle Eddie gets angry at being asked so many questions that don’t have an answer and starts yelling. He learned that from Trump. That’s what he always does when confronted with his own failings, so Uncle Eddie is going to do the same. Grandma, already in the wrong about refugees, gets angry and tell Uncle Eddie to go watch football.
Aunt Helen: “I’m voting for Ben Carson!”
“Aunt Helen, aren’t you a gun owner? Don’t you live in the suburbs of DC?”
Aunt Helen: “Yes, darling. Lifetime member of the NRA.”
Also, Aunt Helen, didn’t I just explain all the foreign policy problems in the world? Ben Carson’s own advisers think he’s struggling to grasp foreign policy. We don’t need a President that needs advisers to tell him there are different countries in the Middle East. Aunt Helen, Dr. Carson’s story is fantastic, but where’s the beef? Where’s the knowledge of foreign policy? Do we need a President who for the first term may need foreign policy training wheels?
Aunt Helen is now angry and leaves the table.
Uncle Howard: “But I love Ted Cruz! He’s against amnesty!”
Actually, Uncle Howard:
And we’re done. Uncle Howard’s head has exploded.
Last, but certainly now least.
Uncle Bill: “We need to defund Planned Parenthood.”
Aunt Suzanne: “Planned Parenthood saves lives, how dare you criticize such a great organization.”
You: (Throws plate in the air violently to make a scene.)
“NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Grandma, THESE POTATOES ARE AWESOME! WHO LIKES POTATOES!? PO-TAT-O POTATO TATERS I LIKE POTATOES!” POTATOE! DAN QUAYLE!? WHAT ABOUT THAT CRAZY DAN QUAYLE!?”
Social issues are something that should never be brought up anywhere near food. This is Thanksgiving, where one cousin probably has a pink profile picture supporting Planned Parenthood, and one aunt who is vehemently pro-life. Avoid discussions at Thanksgiving like this. This goes for marriage issues too. Just cause a distraction and run away. Faking a heart attack works.
Yes, we here at Bearing Drift get it. Thanksgiving is a stressful holiday that is made worse because those who THINK they are intelligent and enjoy arguing about politics. Between that one cousin who is obsessed with Vox and Slate, to your grandmother who only watches Fox and Friends. We understand that the holidays are full of stressful people who happen to be related to you. So stay strong readers! Use the tips provided to win Thanksgiving arguments. Thankfully, it’s just one day a year.