Schoeneman to Run For Lieutenant Governor

EMBARGOED UNTIL APRIL 1
Press Contact: Howie Schoeneman
(202) 456-1414

Schoeneman Announces Bid for Lieutenant Governor

Pledges he will make all your wildest dreams come true

Centreville, VA – In an announcement from the Starbucks on Stone Road, two-time campaign loser and Bearing Drift Editor Brian Schoeneman announced he will be throwing his hat in the ring for the 2017 Lieutenant Governor’s race in Virginia.

He said, “Today, I am announcing my candidacy for Lieutenant Governor of the Commonwealth of Virginia.

My first and only pledge to the voters of Virginia is that I am going to always be honest with them.  They can rest assured that they will get the truth from me. And that’s why I’m going to be honest in my announcement.

I’m running because this is the best job in Virginia government. You get $30k to essentially do nothing, a swanky office in the Governor’s building, and you sometimes get to preside over the Senate and wave a big gavel around. Big gavels are cool, because you know what they say about guys with big gavels.

If elected, I intend to keep doing what I do now – spending a lot of time complaining about Dave Brat, apologizing for the DC establishment and coming up with creative nicknames for Ted Cruz like “Grandpa Munster’s Canadian Booger-Eating Doppleganger.” I will also hire Ray Allen to be my campaign consultant, just to make Ron Hedlund’s head explode. Finally, I will work with elected leaders on both sides of the aisle to introduce and pass legislation to make the Virginia Beach Republican Facebook group the official Facebook group for Virginia.

It’s been a while since Northern Virginia elected a Lieutenant Governor, and I know that if elected, I will work hard to ensure that my name ranks up there with the likes of Elisha McComas, Allie Edward Stakes Stephens, and Benjamin Franklin Buchanan, all great Lieutenant Governors of Virginia whose accomplishes were so significant, they earned a Wikipedia entry long enough not to be considered a “stub.”

I am also pleased to announce that I have already received the endorsements of Eric Cantor, Dave Brat, Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Bill Bolling, Jeb Bush, Dick Cheney, Boyd Marcus, Terry McAuliffe, Susan Stimpson, Jamie Radtke, and John Whitbeck.  I haven’t talked to any of them yet, but I know how much they love me, so I’m sure it’ll be cool.

Vote for me, and I will make all your wildest dreams come true.”

Schoeneman has not yet announced whether he will be seeking the Republican or Democratic nomination.

###