In a shocking turn of events, well known liberal and anti-conservative Mitt Romney was able to use his millions of ill-gotten Bain Capital dollars to stuff sufficient ballot boxes at the CPAC conference to win him the annual event’s Straw Poll. In a stunning upset, Komissar Romney won the straw poll with 38% of the vote to Rick Santorum’s 31%. Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich took third with 15% and past crowd favorite Ron Paul brought up the rear with 12%.
Romney celebrated his stolen victory by taking a joyride around Washington DC in his vintage Zil limousine, formerly owned by Soviet Premier Konstantin Chernenko. He is scheduled to return to Massachusetts where he will ignore poor people and celebrate his victory by dining on humpback whale and beluga caviar in his rich person’s house.
The victory for Romney is a stunner at CPAC, where solid conservatives have tended to win the straw poll in the past. Past winners include Ron Paul, Steve Forbes, Ronald Reagan, and Mitt Romney, who has succeeded in stealing three past CPAC straw poll wins. Pundits across America agree that the voting must have been rigged, especially after Romney’s pathetic speech at the conference yesterday. His speech, in which he called himself “severely conservative” and vowed, if elected, to replace Obamacare with Romneycare while outlawing the Catholic Church, puppies, and the 4th of July, was met by stunned silence in the packed Marriot Wardman Park Ballroom.
Media pundits across America also agree that this CPAC win spells doom for the Romney presidential campaign. This win marks his fourth, the same number of Super Bowl losses the Denver Broncos have under their belts, a sure sign that Romney will be easily defeated by President Barack Obama in November, they noted.
“It’s hard to see how he comes back from something like this,” said MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow. “Even when he wins, he’s still a liberal loser. There’s no way he wins the Republican nomination now.” In agreement, MSNBC host Al Sharpton babbled something about blueberry pie.
In related news, Bearing Drift has received reports from various libraries around Washington, DC that all of their copies of Hayek’s “The Road to Surfdom” and Barry Goldwater’s “Conscience of a Conservative” have spontaneously combusted.
