He’s On A Boat (Or How James O’Keefe Didn’t Do It Right)

By Jason Kenney | Thursday, September 30th, 2010 | Catch-All

So it seems James O’Keefe got busted trying to “punk” CNN by attempting to seduce anchor Abbie Boudreau with some sort of elaborate ruse involving fruit, sex toys, and a boat.

He’s on a boat!

Oh, where to begin on the absurdity. The plan itself is just full of issues left and right, reading like a Mary Sue CNN fanfic where everything will go so exactly to plan and the liberal media empire will crumble at their might.

But at its core O’Keefe’s largest issue isn’t the need for a bigger boat but the characters involved.

Exhibit A: James O’Keefe

Exhibit B: Way out of Exhibit A’s league

The idea that, one, the liberal media was sending attractive reporters after him to seduce him is hilarious. And well played, CNN. But that the tables might be turned, well, c’mon, really?

Besides, the idea is so crazy that there’s absolutely no way Bourdreau or CNN could possibly fall for this. I mean, we’re talking about the kid that pretended to be a pimp and brought down ACORN in the process. Been there, done that, were there t-shirts?

It was juvenile.

It was disgusting.

It wasn’t nearly as good as my idea.

You see, about a year back I presented Bearing Drift Head Poo Bah Jim Hoeft with a BRILLIANT idea to not only expose the liberal media as a bunch of hacks but also get so much attention for Bearing Drift and myself that it’d just be crazy delicious all up in here!

CNN Caper

Overview:
Getting CNN to report on a fake story and then spoof them the same day

Target:
CNN

Activists:
Jason, Jim, Brian

Technical people needed:
Photographer, stenographer, Thomas Kincaid, Kitty Kelly

Written by:
Jason S. Kenney Esq.

The idea was pretty straight forward.

Bearing Drift would invite CNN reporter Abbie Boudreau to a secluded getaway to have a one-on-one meeting with me. The idea would be that we’d discuss matters of the day and I’d be pretending to be crazy and right wing and she’d use her powers of Liberal Bias to spin me into some sort of right wing monster and utterly destroy me and Bearing Drift with it.

Well, once Ms. Boudreau arrived, a dastardly villain would smash through the window and kidnap her!

Psst… It’s really Jim!

This evil villain would spout off socialist and communist rhetoric and pretty much make himself out to be a left wing nut (it’s a set-up, you see…) as he tied Ms. Boudreau up and left her lying on train tracks where the 4 o’clock Roanoke Express was always on time!

Knowing how these things usually ended up, evil villain would have his henchman watch over our helpless captive to ensure the full evil plan came to effect. Really it would be Brian Kirwin making sure she didn’t get away so the best part of the plan could happen.

You see, cause right as the train was sounding in the distance I’d show up with a broadsword and no shirt and do battle with evil villain henchman. Through the genius placement of my sword between Brian’s torso and arm and timely pressure on ketchup packets, the henchman would appear to be slain and I would rescue Ms. Boudreau before the train arrived. I’d be her hero and she’d fall madly in love with me.

Saving the day would then lead to an amazing CNN story about this heroic hero who also happened to be a Republican! Lefty heads would just explode! My awesomeness would change minds because anything Jason Kenney is associated with would automatically be more awesome than the alternative. People would flock to the Republican Party. The GOP would have a 434 seat majority in Congress come November. Rocky Road would sell out everywhere!

More awesome than other ice creams

CNN would suddenly realize the error of being part of the evil liberal media empire and rebrand itself. Anderson Cooper would even become the president of my fan club.

Answer: Very.

I’d be invited to appear on Rush, Beck, Hannity and even Maddow would want to talk to me to bask in my greatness. People would ask about the day and what happened after and I’d talk about how Ms. Boudreau and I are happily married and expecting twins.

Jason Jr. and Jason Jr. II

World peace would be achieved in our lifetime and everyone would life happily ever after.

Unfortunately Jim nixed it.

Never gonna happen now. Thanks, Jim…

So the liberal media continues to exist and I will not be a hero of the right. Yet. But I’m not done with absurd ideas. I’ve got bunches of them. Now I just need a boat to do them on.

I wonder if James will lend me his…

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